Lessons I Learned During My 3 Custody Battles
Before my son was even 8 years old, I went through three custody battles over him. Two were with my ex-husband, and one was with my mother. I learned some hard but valuable lessons during those cases.
Please note that none of this is professional legal advice. Consult with a lawyer before going into legal situations.
I learned that I can survive anything. I mean it. Anything.
My mom telling a judge I wasn’t properly feeding my infant son, or changing his diapers frequently enough? No problem.
My ex-husband telling a different judge that I promised to give him and the woman he left me for my son when he was born? Easy.
My ex-husband trying to convince me and the same five years later that I should meet him every morning before dropping my son off at school so he could physically watch him take his ADHD meds? Child’s play.
Honestly, none of this was enough to break me. Not even when my mom won temporary physical custody for eight months ON my son’s first birthday.
Sure, I went through some deep depression and developed trust issues on top of those I already had, but I survived it. I’m resilient.
I learned how judges evaluate the fitness of a parent in custody cases. Neither money, a “stable job,” or a place in my name were ever legal indicators of my fitness to parent.
I fought with and without a lawyer. I fought when I didn’t have a job. I fought when I was living in my friend’s mom’s basement.
The only time I lost was in the first case against my mother. I believe the only reason I lost temporary physical — but not legal — custody of my son was because I was hysterically crying in court.
Legally speaking, I know now that my mother should never have won that case. She gave me a letter on the day of the court hearing that stated her primary reason to move for custody was that she felt I was not following the Christian faith.
We have laws in the United States that protect freedom of religion. The judge wouldn’t even read the letter, or the part of her statement to him that said something similar, out loud. Instead, he lectured me on how generous my mother had been in letting me and my son live with her since my divorce, and how I needed to do everything she said to get custody of my son back.
He never investigated any of the claims she made against me. Looking back, this shocks me. My mother has had me investigated at least two more times since my son was a baby, and some of the things she accused me of in that first case should have warranted a thorough investigation. Our legal system, including family court, has some serious problems.
I learned that sometimes custody battles are about power, not the well being of the child. Mind you, I’m not saying ALL custody battles are about power, but some certainly stem from one party’s struggle for control.
By the time of my third custody battle — my second with my ex-husband — I was practically an expert in family law. I was also an expert in my ex-husband’s brutish temper and desire for control.
My son had been coming home from visitation at his house with bruises on his arms, shoulders, and even his neck. He told me once that my ex had pinned him to the wall by his neck. This was to stop him from running through the house. Pretty severe punishment for a skinny 7-year-old, don’t you think?
I took my son to the police the day he told me this story. They met with me in a parking lot outside of a shopping center. They separated me from my son and had us each tell them what was going on. Then the group of all-male police officers proceeded to tell me that they would have all reacted the same to their sons or daughters running in their houses. I told them that I felt that they were also abusive fathers, then.
My ex started the last custody battle because I told him I wanted to take my son and move to California, where my mother was living at the time. However, when his second wife got sick of my son, he told me I could take my son and go. This was after a few thousand dollars to a lawyer and several months of back and forth with my lawyer and his.
He never wanted custody of my son. It was all about control. Control over my son, and even control over me, even though we were divorced and he was married to the woman he left me for when I was three months pregnant.
Neither I nor my son ever saw or heard from him again. He died in September of 2018, never having apologized to his firstborn for how cruelly he treated him during what little of his childhood of which he was a part.
And this leads me to my final lesson.
I learned that you don’t get do-overs in parenthood.
Sometimes I think about all of the things my ex-husband missed with my son in the years he had left on this earth.
He missed him learning to ride a bike and swim.
He missed his first dance.
He missed the sex talk.
He missed his first shave.
He missed seeing my son grow over 6 feet tall before the age of 15.
My ex-husband could have spent his remaining years being a father to my son. He could have gotten help for his anger management issues and apologized for the hurt he caused when my son visited him.
Instead, he chose to never try and contact his firstborn again.
Here’s the thing, folks. Children are precious. They are a gift to us. We don’t get second chances to love them. We get their childhood, and then we send them out into the world.
Each of my custody battles taught me very important lessons. I am resilient. I am a fit parent. My ex-husband and my mother both sought control over me and my son. And most importantly, there are no do-overs in parenthood.
I am grateful for each of these struggles because they helped make me the strong, confident mother I am today.
